For a long time now I have been struggling with an immense fear when climbing and have become pretty rusty as a result of me avoiding it to the point where I almost haven't climbed (recreationally) for over a year.
The trip I took to the Alps was extremely challenging and after making it back I thought that I would feel more confident about everything but the opposite seemed to happen. I was so afraid. Doubt was starting to infect me. I couldn't trust my gear, my body, my skills, my environment. I was having panic attacks for a while, something I have never experienced or even thought I could. I almost abandoned this kind of life entirely.
It took me rebuilding myself from the foundations up with my now higher level of knowledge and experience than I had when I started down this path. Essentially I started again, ensuring that EVERYTHING was built solid in a way that I could both see and measure.
My passion has finally started to grace me with its presence once again, to say that I'm pleased would be an understatement. I spent so long "forcing" things that I completely lost that natural connection to climbing that I fell in love with in the first place.
I still don't know why I felt the need to "force" everything but looking back I think it came from a place of judgement. That I shouldn't be one thing and I should be another. I got pretty caught up in it for a while. Until I found the freedom to just be as I am, I lost my connection to climbing that I enjoy the most.
This is kind of hard to describe, but I have ended up treating this 'connection' feeling like a wild animal. I learn what it (often but not always) likes and dislikes, try to create an environment that has more of what it likes and less of what it doesn't and allow it to come and go freely. If i'm lucky I will get a glance, if I'm luckier I will get regular visits. It isn't something I can control, only appreciate.
